


50 Times Eliot Got Whumped

by Mizzy



Category: Leverage
Genre: Crack, Gen, Whump
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-03-11
Updated: 2011-03-11
Packaged: 2017-10-16 21:13:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,503
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/169412
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mizzy/pseuds/Mizzy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>50 times Eliot Spencer got well and truly WHUMPED.</p>
            </blockquote>





	50 Times Eliot Got Whumped

**Author's Note:**

> As a long time member of D.W.A.*, it was only a matter of time before my membership to E.W.A.** was processed and filed.
> 
> This should have been by all rights and purposes a “5 times” fic, but someone informed me “5 times” is for cowards, and a BAMF like Eliot deserves at least 10 times worth of whatever anyone else gets.
> 
> In another fandom, I might have labeled this as crack.
> 
>  
> 
> *Danny Whumpers Anonymous. The Danny in question would be Daniel Jackson from Stargate: SG-1. His whumps are only slightly superior to Eliot’s because the Stargate universe has the sarcophagus, which can bring people back from the dead, so Daniel can easily die a few times per episode with nary a side effect (well, sometimes insanity is a side effect, but doctors don’t seem to think that’s too serious IRL anyway) and Eliot doesn’t have that luxury (even though sometimes he will try and give it a good shot.)
> 
> **Eliot Whumpers Anonymous.

1\. It was Hardison’s fault. Of course it was. His gadgets were ridiculous and unnecessary and unwieldy and if Hardison didn’t quit laughing at how Eliot had somehow managed to poke himself in the eye with whatever it was called – a dangle? a dingle? who came up with these names anyway? – then he was going to get it shoved up his ass.

Except the smug bastard would probably enjoy it.

2\. Eliot would swear to his grave that the 100-year-old oak tree had not been there five seconds ago.

3\. Nate got sort of animated when he talked sometimes. It was their on-and-off suggestions that Sophie’s heist plan presentations were better that were to blame, because that made Nate think adding melodrama to his manic machinations was the best way to proceed.

Eliot just unfortunately happened to be in the flight path of the ice cube’s trajectory as Nate gestured with his glass of whiskey a little too enthusiastically.

4.  _Twice_.

5\. By the third time, there wasn’t an ice cube maker, tray or seller left intact in a 50 mile radius of the building.

6\. Parker should really test her rigging once in a while.

7\. And on that note, it did hurt when someone else was assigned to crawl through tiny air ducts. He was just too- too-

8\. –so, maybe he shouldn’t have chosen the word big, because he got so angry at them all laughing that he punched the wall of the air duct and fell forty feet down a laundry chute.

9\. As the medic retrieved the item from the soft skin in the crease above his left elbow, she helpfully informed it was, in fact, called a dongle.

10\. Sterling had always blathered that he always won, but Eliot had never believed him. Not until Sterling proved winning meant he was the only person in the world capable of avoiding Eliot’s best uppercut.

To be fair to Eliot’s ego, his fist did smash a hefty five foot crack in the solid concrete wall before swelling up ridiculously.

11\. Lesson learned: Never get so cocky during a heist where you’ve managed to steal Buckingham Palace that you call HRH Queen Elizabeth II  _Liz_.

She has a mean right hook.

12\. Even if you’re fighting fourteen Russian mobsters, three Yakuza, two confused Hawaiian terrorists and a bad hair day, you should always, always read notes on escalators about the dangers of wearing long clothing while riding them.

13\. The hunting knife Parker “obtained” for his birthday was double-edged. Yeah, he found out too late.

14\. Hardison got hacked by an eleven year old school girl. 

Eliot’s appendix ruptured because he just couldn’t stop laughing about it.

15\. Just because one can play a guitar does not make one magically immune to steel strings snapping and hitting one in the face. Even if one is Eliot Spencer.

16\. Nate swore blind he didn’t yank the map away too fast but the three inch paper cut on Eliot’s hand was evidence to the contrary.

17\. A parked bus.

Two hot, stacked Swedish girls walking by.

Enough said.

18\. In the future, Eliot will stick firmly to “Yes, Sophie, you do need more shoes.”

19\. And he will also say: “You know what, I’ll stay outside while you shop for shoes. I’m just here to carry the bags anyway.” Not, “Oh, hey, okay”, because there’s like, four hundred hot women lined up outside the store for some weird shoe sale thing.

Because it turns out women go insane in weird shoe sales, and insane turns to insanely violent. And if you get caught up in this insane violence…

Eliot couldn’t fight back. So he ended up being spiked by a stiletto.

20\. He also received a suede knee-length boot to the face.

21\. And a pair of pink slippers in his abdomen.

22\. Which ripped his appendix stitches.

23\. And then three girls who all needed something known as  _red mules zomg_  (at least, that’s what Eliot heard) managed to trample him to the ground.

24\. Eliot was just fine on Photoshop, fine and dandy. Okay, so he got stuck. The news said these people called Anonymous were awesome hackers, so Eliot logged on and asked how to make people look richer on Photoshop CS3. Eliot dutifully hit Alt + F4 a bunch of times.

Apparently Hardison had told him not to close the windows, which was ridiculous, because Eliot was confined to the couch to wait for his stitches to heal and he couldn’t even stagger over to the windows, so Eliot did not think it was fair for Hardison to yank the laptop away, subsequently tipping him off the couch and having his stitches ripped again.

25\. Going out for a beer to celebrate his healed surgery scar was a good plan.

Chipping his tooth when opening the bottle was not. An old guy in the dentist’s surgery informed him carefully that toothache was worse than a heart attack.

25\. They did another job in San Lorenzo. Eliot stopped by to gloat. 

Moreau bit him.

26\. Nate made him go get a Tetanus shot, but Eliot had a thing about needles, so Parker knocked him out.

27\. Parker. Yeah. His body would heal. His ego would not.

28\. A parked bus.

A group of Krane fangirls tracked him down.

Enough said.

29\. Nate found ebay. And freecycle.

(30.) ice  
(31.) ice  
(32.) baby

33\. The fifth ice cube (or eighth if you counted the previous ones. Eliot did) was the last straw. Eliot got Nate hooked on something else that would take his mind off alcohol.

34\. Eliot gave Nate his alcohol back because Nate on a sugar high was the  _worst thing on Earth_.

35\. In their down time, Sophie disappeared a lot. And then reappeared with four tickets to a production of the six-hour play, Angels in America.

Sophie played  _every single part_.

(36.)dun

(37.)dun

(38.)dun-dun-dun

(39.)dun-dun

40\. By the tenth (thirteenth) ice cube, Eliot was pretty sure Nate was doing it deliberately.

41\. A parked bus.

Hardison requiring a punch in the face because he  _just would not shut up_.

Enough said.

42\. They run into the mother of someone Eliot can never get out of his head. Her child is someone who haunts every memory, every waking moment, every sleeping nightmare. She howls on seeing him and starts punching him and he lets her, he lets her, he lets her.

43\. Nate was a REALLY GOOD FELLOW. A LOVELY FELLOW haha the bestest ever he reminded Eliot of REALLY GREAT CAKE. Eliot LOVED NATE FOREVER. And Sophie was B-E-A-UTIFUL and enthusiastic about her acting which is the hardest part after all, and she was a joyous rainbow of love and light. And Hardison, man, Eliot loved Hardison to the MOON AND BACK but SSSHHH don’t tell anyone, what do you mean all of Boston heard? And Parker was a SEXY HOT MAMA and SMELLED OF ROSES AND PEACHES and he LOVED HER TOO.

Eliot had no clue why his co-ordination was so bad, but after repeatedly walking into the wall, the unconsciousness was really awesome too.

44\. So, Tequila shots gave the worst hangover in the world.

45\. They were on a job. Nate told him to wait three minutes for seven of the guys to go around the corner so it would be easier for Eliot to take them all out.

He didn’t wait.

Even Eliot Spencer gets kicked around if he’s single-handedly taking on fourteen ex-Marines.

46\. The next job, it happens again. One guy lands a lucky punch and breaks Eliot’s cheekbone.

47\. Nate and Sophie yell at him for being reckless and putting them all in danger by putting himself in danger. It’s because they care about him, and that hurts him more than anything else, because he _doesn’t deserve it._

48\. He runs into a burning house to rescue three girls, a baby and a dog. He hides the second-degree burns from the others.

49\. The burns go septic. He collapses in front of them all and hits his head on a counter. Everything goes black.

50\. When he woke up, Eliot agreed he had gone way too over the top loopy and promised never to do it again. The four of them, his family, looked down and squeezed his hand and petted his hair, and then Hardison insisted on a group hug, and Eliot was so high on morphine because of the pain he was in that he let them all climb on the hospital bed to give him that hug.

Turned out when they said  _visitors, please don’t sit on the hospital beds_  it was because they could only hold the weight of one person at a time.

Eliot’s stitches ripped again. But with them all around him, laughing their asses off, ruffling his hair and promising to steal him a really hot nurse, it didn’t feel so bad.

It never did again, not around them.


End file.
